Just give me a reason

[Deleted]

Milah knew that Killian had needed some time to himself, so she began to familiarize herself with the town. There was so much to handle...so much to take in...that she ended up just sitting in Killian's room at Granny's Bed and Breakfast the entire time she waited for him. Of course, she was going to be nosy..what else would she do while she was bored and waiting for him to have a moment to himself? As she looked over his belongings, it struck her like lightning just how much he had changed. Of course, it wasn't surprising..she'd been dead for centuries, after all. Everything had changed... everyone had changed. The only thing that had stayed the same was Rumple. He'd forever be a coward.. She never thought that she'd ever wish to see his face, but oh, how she wanted to. This was his fault. Everything was. 

She knew that she had a lot to learn, but she was thankful for the fact that Killian's room was simple, and wasn't filled with strange gadgets that she'd seen on her way to the B&B. She had thought that her head was going to explode if she tried to figure out the purpose for all of the gadgets on her own. She'd definitely have to ask Killian about it all later. But the first thing that they needed to talk about was the inevitable.. what did this mean for them? Of course Milah was still madly in love with Killian as though it were the day that she had fallen lifeless at the hands of the Dark One, but much could change when one lived for centuries on their own. He still loved her, she could see it in his eyes..but there was something more that she couldn't quite grasp. 

As she absentmindedly flipped the pages of a book she had found in his room called Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea, she heard someone advancing toward the door. Killian walked in, and she sat up from her lying down position, quickly closing the book. "You're back..." she observed. 

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

Killian paused outside the door to his room at Granny's B&B. Just as he felt moments before -- and even during -- his conversation with Emma, he felt the same way now. He had no idea what he was to say or how he was to say it. For decades upon decades he had hoped for a miracle that allowed Milah to return to him. And now, just when he was with Emma . . . here she was. He wondered if the timing was not a coincidence; if her return had been conveniently brought upon them to prevent him and Emma from being together. He couldn't think of how she got here right now, even if it was just one of the several questions he had. She had been the love of his life for so long, and he of course loved her still. But he felt as if his heart was torn in two: half belonging to Milah and the other half belonged to Emma, and it was not fair for either women. Neither were a second choice for him.

He opened the door, stepping inside and seeing Milah flipping through a book on his bed. Seeing her alive and looking so beautiful would never cease to amaze him. Had things not been so, complicated, they could have easily continued their relationship, not letting the years that had passed stand in their way of happiness. But he couldn't do that. Even when he felt his heart swell every second his eyes lay upon her. Realizing he was just staring, and that she had said something, he finally snapped out of whatever trance she had unknowingly put him in, and closed the door behind him. He then took hold of the bag that he was clutching under his hooked arm. "I brought you something to eat," he explained to her, stepping closer toward where she was.

The food of this world was so different, so all he could do was use the knowledge he had of her food preference and match that to the taste of various foods in this world. Hopefully, she would like it. He sat at the edge of his bed, putting the bag on the side table and pulling out a cup of tea from inside, passing it to her, figuring it wouldn't hurt to have a comforting drink at the moment. The coffee Emma had gotten him had certainly helped. His eyes then fell to the book she had been skimming through, needing a distraction before he let his love for her overpower rationality and control his actions, now that they were alone. "It's a good read," he said, looking back up at her to meet her gaze. He was fully aware that this was the most trivial thing to talk about considering everything else that was going on . . . but he supposed he was avoiding it, and that he was being a bit of a coward in this moment.

template by isabella

[Deleted]

Killian's mention of food reminded Milah that her stomach had been growling. She hadn't really been paying much attention to it before he brought it up, but now, it was quite prominent. Although, what he held in his hand didn't look like the food that she was used to. Oh well.. she was in a new land now, and had to learn to adapt. "Oh, Killian, thank you! I was starving.. I didn't even realize it." She stood up from the bed, and smoothed down her clothes. When he spoke of the book she had been reading, she turned her head to glance at it. "Oh.. yes, so far it's brilliant! I haven't gotten in to it yet, but.. well, you know how Maritime adventures captivate me." She lifted his gaze to meet his, and she gave him a small smile. 

Killian had never seemed so..distant. Perhaps he was afraid that she'd vanish from him, and so he was guarding himself.. or maybe there were things that he wasn't telling her. "Not to say I was looking through your belongings, but.. from first glance, it seems like you've really changed, Killian. I never thought I'd see you staying in a place like this." She lifted a piece of candy from the bedside table, and she held it up. "They leave little candies on the pillows.. Since when do you live in places where they leave candies on pillows, Killian?" Killian, although she loved him greatly, had somewhat changed.. but how much still remained to be seen. Although she had an amused smile on her lips, there was still a question deep down of.. did he change too much?

One thing was for certain...at least he wasn't a coward. He never could be a coward. 

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

Killian gave a small smile when she admitted she had been quite hungry. He knew he shouldn't have left her like this, even for the short time he had. But he had also needed the time to take in . . . everything. Even if he hadn't reached any sort of solution to this. "The food is different from what we're accustomed to, but it does taste good," he assured her. He had felt the same way coming here for the first time. Bologna in prison was perhaps the worst experience he'd had when it came to food, but the rest of it had been fairly decent.

Especially fries. She then spoke of the book, reminding him of how anything related to the sea and open water appealed to her. He returned the smile with a soft one, thinking back to the first time they met, and then when she wished to join his crew. It had been so long ago but he could remember every detail of that day perfectly. It had marked a new beginning with her . . . even if it had led to a tragic end. Or so he had thought. "You'll enjoy it," he told her, knowing her preferences, just as she knew his. In fact, she knew him better than most, her next words re-enforcing that as she told him that he wasn't one who stayed in places that left candy on pillows. The inns that they had remained at overnight when he had made port were . . . drastically different than this bed and breakfast. And even then, he still preferred sleeping in his quarters on his ship, despite the fact that they weren't sailing the sea at the time.

He couldn't help but smile with amusement as well, the feeling coming with such ease . . . more than he had initially thought it would. "Trust me, if I had another alternative, I would take it," he admitted to her, only half joking. "But alas, this is the only inn located in Storybrooke." Though, there was obviously more to it than just that; more of a reason he was staying here. Had Milah met him only a couple years ago, he would have been the same Killian she knew. But Emma had changed him . . . changed him from the pirate he was to the man he once was before embracing a life of piracy. "You should try it," he said a little teasingly but not without truth, referring to the candy she held in her hand.

"They're quite addictive," he added . . . which was possibly the reason he kept getting them. He suddenly thought of what else she may have found in his room . . . apart from the new clothing, he supposed his possessions were rather minimal. He then proceeded to take out the food from the bag for her, wanting her to eat before they talked about . . . things. It felt so normal to be with her, so natural. And yet there was that nagging truth in his mind. One that reminded him that he couldn't just fall back into this life with her. Not so easily. "Come sit. Eat," he urged her as she was standing. He rose from his seated position on the bed, running his hand through the back of his head through his hair. It felt normal to be with her yes, and still there was an awkwardness in the air.

template by isabella

[Deleted]

There was a time that Milah and Killian wouldn't have even still been talking. Milah had hoped that when Killian came back, he'd have complete clarity and they could pick up where they had left off. She hoped that they'd be in bed by now, reuniting in their normal fashion. However..here they were.. about to eat, and talk. She glanced down at the candy and cleared her throat. "I'll pass for now. I don't think sugar and a completely empty stomach is a good idea." Considering she hadn't eaten in centuries, she figured she should probably have real food first.

When he pulled the food containers out of the bag, she unwrapped an odd sandwich looking...thing. The cheeseburger. She started to eat it, and she had the natural reaction to it. "This is fantastic!" she spoke, after chewing. She had sat down, so that she could eat with him. The dinner was a quiet one.. Milah didn't know what to say. There were so many questions, so many things to talk about, and yet, she didn't know where to start. Once she was finished with her cheeseburger, she started on the magnificent fries. "Mmm.. delicious." She sighed. "Certainly different than bread and stew." Not that there were anything wrong with those things, but this was a nice change.

"Killian," she started, feeling as though they had been quiet for too long. "I know there's something you're not telling me. For starters, you're acting like you're a million miles away. And secondly, I've come back from the dead, after centuries, and you still haven't even kissed me. What aren't you telling me?"

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

Killian couldn't help but smile as he watched her eat the unfamiliar food. Good. She liked it. In fact, she seemed to really like it. As she did the fries. Something they had in common for he recalled when having first come here . . . he had instantly loved fries. As bizarre as the concept had been, they turned out to be quite delicious. Though at the moment, he was not even remotely hungry. Instead, he just silently watched her eat, sitting across the table with her, his eyes falling down to it every so often. Her voice would fill the otherwise silent air and Killian would offer a slight smile in response. He was too wrapped up in his own thoughts; too distracted.

It wasn't until she said his name in that all too familiar tone that he raised his eyes to meet her gaze. She knew. Well of course she did, she knew him too well. She knew he wasn't acting like himself . . . and she right. In everything she said. He should indeed be embracing her, kissing her, not even allowing her the chance to speak because all he should want to do was physically show her much he loved and missed her. The opportunity was there; they were together, alone, away from the rest of the world. And yet . . . he couldn't. "I'm sorry," he began to say in a low voice, forcing his eyes to remain on her face. Her beautiful face that still had the tendency to take his breath away. He firstly, needed to apologize for being so distracted, not telling her right away.

He just . . . needed to phrase it properly. "I want you, need you to know Milah that I never once stopped loving you." He needed her to understand that first and foremost. "After . . . " She died. "I swore to avenge your death. I dedicated my life to this purpose. And not a day went by where I didn't miss you or think of you." He paused for a moment, pulling up his sleeve to reveal the tattoo of her name and heart with a dagger through it on him. "There was a time where all I had to live for was this mission to destroy the Dark One for what he did to you." He'd known nothing else apart from vengeance. Until he'd fallen in love with Emma.

template by isabella

[Deleted]

She took a deep breath, readying herself for what he was about to say. She knew that there was going to be things about other women..he couldn't have possibly gone so long without being with someone else..could he? But she had asked if he was married, and he assured her that he wasn't. However, he followed it up with how they had a lot to talk about. Honestly, she didn't know what was going to happen..but she was going to stand her ground, no matter where this conversation led.

He began by telling her how he had never stopped loving her, and it brought a warm smile to her lips. Still though, she could sense that there was a 'but' there. However, instead of the 'but', a story followed of how he had devoted his life for so long to getting revenge on the Dark One. "Killian," she sighed softly, lightly placing her hand over his hook. She glanced down at the steel hook where his hand had once been, and she absentmindedly brushed her thumb over it. It was something that she could easily get past, but it was like an elephant in the room. The hook was there because of her. If it wasn't for the fact that Rumple was there to find her, to get her back, he'd still have his hand. She was going to tell him that he shouldn't have done that, that he should have just accepted her death, but that wasn't what he needed to hear.

After he finished speaking, she gave him a small nod of encouragement. "Go on," she spoke softly, allowing him to continue his tale. She knew that there was more of a reason that he was being so distant with her. Much more of a reason...

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

She had said his name and gently told him to go on. He was leading up to it, building up to it, knowing that he had to say it now for he wasn't about to lie to her . . . about anything. He then moved his sleeve to once again cover the tattoo of her that he had exposed, in attempt to show her that he a mark of her, that he had it on his skin as a mark of her. Not that he would ever forget her. He remained silent for a few moments, looking into her eyes because he could not avert his gaze for this. He wanted her to know that he meant every single one of his words; he wanted her to see the sincerity behind them. He moved his hand, gently placing it on top of hers, feeling the warmth of her soft skin.

"You were the first woman I ever loved." It was an emotion he had never thought himself capable of. Physical intimacy was not the same. He had never thought of love before, not until he had met her. And it had never been out of convenience either, just because she had been aboard his ship. He had let her on because -- as much as he had tried to deny it -- he had felt something for her. And it wasn't long until he discovered what that something was. It had opened up his heart to a whole new set of emotions . . . and it had given his life purpose and meaning in more ways than he thought possible. "And I always believed that you would be the last." That he wasn't capable of loving anyone again, as he had loved her. Taking a deep breath, he continued. "Until I came here." And there it was, the revelation that he had stalled in telling her.

template by isabella

[Deleted]

Milah's eyes trailed up his arm when he exposed the mark of her name. He had gotten her name etched in to his skin. It was a true testament to his love for her. The quiet was so thick between the two of them at this point that it could be cut with a knife. She met his gaze once more when he started to continue, telling her that she was the first woman he ever loved, and he had thought that she would be his last...until he came to this place. Her face went white the instant he alluded to the inevitable. She knew this was a possibility..she always knew it. And it was probably one of the reasons that he had left her here at the bed and breakfast. Milah wasn't angry.. she wasn't filled with despair.. right now, she was rather..numb.

Her eyes fell once more to the table, and that's when she really got a good look at his hand. She knew every piece of jewelery that he wore..but there was one ring that she didn't recognize. She let go of his hook, and she touched his hand, gliding her fingers over the ring. "Did she give this to you?" She asked, lifting her eyes to meet his yet again. Her voice wasn't void of emotion, but it also wasn't angry. "It's lovely. She obviously has good taste." In many ways. In jewelry.. in men. How was she supposed to take this? It was a lot of information to take in. She paused, looking down yet again. She couldn't hold his gaze for very long. "How serious is it?"

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

Killian's eyes fell down to her hand as it grazed over the ring that Emma had gifted him with on Christmas. He wore it, all the time, so he knew it shouldn't come as a surprise that Milah had easily spotted it. They had lived together on the Jolly Roger for so long. She knew not only him, but all that belonged to him . . . and this ring, like the tattoo, like the hook, was new. "Aye," he said answering her question, while keeping his eyes on her hand. "On this past Christmas," he elaborated, not giving all the details of what it symbolized, but enough to properly answer Milah's question without dismissing it.

He gave a slight smile when she commented on how lovely it was, though his expression didn't quite hold any joviality. He knew this wasn't easy for Milah, and he hated that he was putting two of the most incredible women through this. He knew he wasn't worth it, and knew he was selfish enough to not let either of them go right now. But he refused to play games with them. Neither Milah nor Emma were a mere fleeting person in his life. He was devoted to them both . . . he just never expected that he would have to be dedicated to them at the same time. She then asked another extremely relevant question, pertaining to the seriousness of their relationship. How serious was it . . .

"Very," he answered honestly, his gaze still upon her hand though he slowly raised it to meet her face. He hadn't lied when she asked if he was married, but he was committed to Emma, not needing a title of marriage to solidify that. Just as he hadn't needed one when he'd been with Milah. "I love her," he admitted, knowing it wasn't easy to hear, just as it wasn't easy to say to her. "And I love you," he added, which made this all the more complicated. "And I just . . . I don't know what to do, Milah." He often held enough confidence to the point of arrogance, but this time, he felt nearly defeated. How could he pick between the two loves of his life?

template by isabella

[Deleted]

Milah felt nauseous. The food she had just eaten was about to come up, but she managed to hold it in somehow. "I see," she spoke in a voice that was just above a whisper. She stood up, resting a hand gently over her stomach. "I want you to know that I'm not upset. I have no right to be." Yet she was having a hard time turning back around to face him. "It's just a little difficult. To me, not that much time has passed.. but then again, I can also understand what you're going through. For years, and years you were wandering around the world, hell bent on revenge...and then finally you found love again." After feeling like she could breathe again, finally she spun to face Killian.

"I feel, in a way, like I want to thank this woman for teaching you to love again." It was Milah's loss..but something far greater could have been lost. "If it wasn't for that, then you could be dead right now." Was part of this decision for her to make? To help him ease his troubled mind? Because she  most certainly couldn't do that. She wanted him, of course..but so much had happened. "Even though you're still the man I love, you've done a lot of changing. In a wonderful way...but..you wouldn't have, if it wasn't for that fateful day on the Jolly Roger." She realized she was babbling, so finally, she sighed, and walked toward him, holding her hands out, coaxing him to stand with her.

"There's one way to find out," she stepped in close to him, and she looked in to his eyes. "Kiss me," she said simply, hoping that this would bring some sort of clarity.. to both of them. She stood on her tip toes, and captured his lips with her's, hoping that the answers to all of their questions lied in a kiss.

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

Killian watched her rise to her feet, having seen the color fade from her complexion and now . . . she looked unwell. He wanted to get up and see if she was alright, but knew that he was the reason she was feeling this way to begin with. She told him that she wasn't upset, and right away he knew he didn't deserve that. But he also knew that it was such qualities in her that made her say this . . . that had caused him to fall in love with her to begin with. He remained silent, watching her, listening to her words. She was avoiding looking at him, and he couldn't blame her for that. He had after all had a hard time making eye contact with her as well. As she said, to her it was just yesterday that she had died . . . to him, it was so very long ago.

The odd thing was that it had only been a couple years compared to the centuries, that Killian had truly changed and fallen in love with another. For so long he mourned the loss of his only love . . . and now here she was, and he wished he could fully bask in the joy of being with her once again. She went on to say that she felt she should thank Emma, for showing him how to love again. Such words would not be able to be spoke by a woman who lacked strength . . . and Milah was clearly a strong woman. She even spoke of how Hook could be dead if it weren't for Emma and well, quite frankly, that could very well be true. He had nothing left to live for and while he wasn't a man with suicidal tendencies, the joy of piracy had been taken away the moment Milah died in his arms. For he knew what it was to love and losing that . . . he had lost a part of himself.

"You changed me for the better once Milah," he told her, for in the time he was with her . . . he had not been the same ruthless pirate. "And after losing you . . . I changed for the worse." He had done many things, the only comfort in life being bottles of rum in the late hour. "I never thought I could come back from that. From losing you. And I wish . . . things did not have to be so complicated. I wish I wasn't hurting you right now." He couldn't wish that he wasn't with Emma because he loved her, and he couldn't wish that Milah wasn't here because that meant she'd be dead. Both women were so important to him, and he couldn't let either of them go right now.

She offered her hands to him and he took them, rising to his feet as she told him that there was only one way to find out . . . to kiss her. He paused, watching her intently as he felt her lips meet his. He slowly closed his eyes, a brief hesitation in him, feeling as if he was betraying Emma right now, just as he thought the same of Milah when Emma had kissed him. But thought soon became overpowered with emotion. Emotions of his love for Milah, of remembering how it felt to lose her, and now to have her back was, overwhelming. Every ounce of love he once felt for her, dominated him -- including his mind and thus, rationality. He began to deepen the kiss, coaxing her mouth open with his own as he let every emotion pour out into this kiss.

He raised his hand to her cheek, gently caressing it as he became more fervently passionate in the embrace. He even began walking forward, causing her to move back until her back was against the wall. The softness of her lips, the familiar taste of her mouth, the sensations he felt when they were joined in this way. He couldn't think of anything else right now, apart from how much he loved her. This was why he didn't trust himself; this was why he was so weak. His control and composure was lacking and he couldn't stop kissing her . . . because he couldn't let her go. Not when he had just gotten her back.

template by isabella

[Deleted]

Finally, things were starting to feel normal. She was right..all it took was a kiss. The two of them were instantly swept up in to a fit of passion that took them to the nearest wall. As she leaned back against the wall to support her weight, she allowed herself to melt in to Killian's arms. She continued to kiss him, allowing every emotion she had been feeling to flow in to that kiss. For a moment, she had completely forgotten what all she had learned. it was just her and Killian, together again. She allowed herself to completely get carried away, though. Her hands started to move over his shirt, and even though she didn't really understand all of the buttons, she still made an attempt at unclasping them. It was all a blur of touches, and kisses, and she didn't want it to stop...

But it had to. Something chimed in the back of Milah's mind that told her this was wrong. Even though it felt so, so right, she knew that it was so, so wrong. Killian was with someone else now, and it was serious. He had mourned her, he had sought revenge for her, he had gotten over her...finally...and now she was crushing someone else's happiness. No matter what Milah had done in her past, she was not the kind of person to do something like this. Reluctantly, (doesn't even describe the word) Milah gently pushed Killian away just enough that the kiss ended. "We can't," she breathed. "We can't do this.. not until we...you...figure out what your heart really wants," She looked in to his eyes, searching for some sort of answer that she knew she'd never be able to find.

"If we do this now..not only will you feel guilty, but it won't help us know how we really feel." Her hands gently touched his chest, and she closed her eyes. "I should have my own room until everything is resolved... we can't be drawn in to...in to old habits.." It wasn't fair for anyone involved if they were sleeping in the same room, and sharing a bed..even on the chance that the two of them were innocently sleeping, it just didn't feel right under the circumstances.

[Killian Jones]

in the pain

THERE IS HEALING

Killian had lost all ability to think. He was too engrossed in the heat of the moment . . . in her. He wasn't thinking of anything else, apart from how she felt against him. He felt her hands moved the buttons of his shirt and his own hand went to her side, trailing up and down it as he felt the curves of her figure. An image he had memorized and longed for every night that she had been gone. And he was becoming dangerously close to starting to undo her dress so that he could see the perfection of said figure. He continued to deepen the kiss, feeling as if he needed her as much as a man deprived of oxygen needed air. He wasn't considering the implications of his actions, or what would have happened had he let himself go to far.

He liked to think he wouldn't let himself do it . . . he would have stopped it. But he was still relieved when Milah had taken the initiative. He felt the immediate deprivation of her lips as she lightly pulled him away, reminding him that they couldn't do this. He breathed heavily, catching his breath from the intensity of their actions as there was some distance between them. His eyes fell to the floor, allowing rationality to resurface in his mind. He shouldn't have done that. Milah was right. It wasn't fair to any of them, and it wasn't fair to Emma. This wasn't what he should be doing right now. He needed to talk to Milah, to explain thing; not make everything worse by revealing his lack of self control when in her presence. "I know," he admitted in a low voice, hardly above a whisper. He knew they couldn't do this.

He knew that he needed to figure things out. He knew that he would feel guilty and only hurt Emma and Milah, which was the last thing he ever wanted to d. And he knew it wouldn't help anything or anyone. "I'm sorry," he added, looking into her eyes, genuine in his apology. He took a couple of steps back, creating a little more distance between them as he didn't trust himself to stand so close to her. "I'll arrange for you to stay in another room." He would just speak to Granny about it, for he agreed with Milah. And he no longer trusted himself in her presence like that . . . especially if they were alone during the night.

The more he allowed himself a moment to think, the more determined he was not to do anything. This had just been a passionate slip, and while it felt so good to kiss her, his heart ached at the bittersweet feeling. "I know you must have many questions about . . . well, everything." Not just about him and Emma, or him and Milah, but everything else that had happened. "Maybe we can just, talk." If she was up for it. "Unless of course you prefer to get some rest tonight, in which case, I can speak to you in the tomorrow." He needed to focus on something else. Not on how much he felt for her, or how good it felt in the moment to kiss her -- when he let all other thought flee his mind.

template by isabella

[Deleted]

The ending of the kiss left Milah's lips feel as though they were burning, and wanting more...but she knew that wasn't possible right now. She could tell that he was feeling the same way, which made keeping her hands to herself all the more difficult. Still though, her morals told her that even though this was what she wanted, it wasn't the time for it. Perhaps in the future the two of them could be in one another's arms again, but that was for fate to decide. Killian understood, and agreed that they couldn't continue.. that was a relief. If he had tried to talk her out of stopping, even if he just suggested it, she feared her resolve would crumble as easily as clay. This was most definitely the safest route to go. 

He spoke of how he'd get her set up in her own room, and how they needed to talk...but only after he had apologized. She waited for him to finish speaking, and she gently shook her head. "You don't have to apologize, Killian. We're both in a very...strange place right now. Emotionally, and..well.." She lifted the remote control  for the television and she looked it over as if it were some sort of alien device. "Physically.." She pursed her lips, deciding to not even bother figuring it out. She then placed the object back down on the dresser, and she focused her attention on Killian again. "If I were to leave this room now it would likely make things worse.. We should talk. I do have questions.. and you may have some too. If I were to leave now it would mean i'm running away from having to deal with...any of this, and if I have anything to say about myself..it's that i'm not a coward." She offered him a warm smile, and she sat down in an arm chair that was oddly comfortable despite the way it looked. "So," she breathed. "Where to start?"