Am I Still Your Little Girl (Jefferson)

[Grace Hatter]

Grace had been reunited with her papa very recently. But that didn’t mean she was perfectly at peace. People’s deep seeded emotions and fears didn’t evaporate in a day. For so long she’d been waiting for Papa to find her. Now they were together again! Of course she was happy. But...They’d lost so much time. She was so afraid. What if Papa hated the girl she’d grown into? What if he thought she’d been much sweeter and kinder as a little girl? What if he blamed her for the separation? She’d never quite forgiven herself for letting him go. It was her fault in some sense, wasn’t it? If she hadn’t made such a big deal about the white rabbit would he have stayed, would he have realized he was the only thing that really mattered in her life? If she had clung to his leg weeping, could she have convinced him to ignore the queen? What if she had simply refused to go with the neighbors? What if she had been stubborn and followed him? Would that have been enough to stop him?

For a terrible, lonely several years she’d replayed their goodbye over and over again. After all this time, she could still remember that day perfectly. The way he’d scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the door. The way he’d smoothed back her hair so he could kiss her forehead. How tenderly he’d buttoned up her jacket so she wouldn’t get cold. How sweetly he promised he’d come back, make it in time for tea. And then how he gently pushed her towards the neighbors. And she’d left! She’d just walked away even though she’d known things were weird and the queen was involved! She should have never left him! But she had and both of them had paid the price for that. Paid it in full every single day. So many sleepless nights and dreary mornings. The neighbors had been so kind to her. And Grace loved them dearly. She tried to help and seem happy for their sake; but, they weren’t her papa. No one could replace him or the deep bond they shared. Time...Time hadn’t broken it, had it? She was afraid of that, that she would look in her papa’s eyes and see a stranger reflected back at her. She’d watched him day after day through the magic mirror when he was in Wonderland. But he hadn’t seen her grow. What if he didn’t even think of her as his daughter anymore? She was being silly, she knew, paranoid. Papa loved her! He’d spent all this time trying to make his way back to her! She just needed to relax! But she couldn’t.

The stress was getting to her. All the questions and fears she kept bottled up inside needed some release. And that release came in the form of nightmares. Her small frame tossed and turned under her lavish covers. She wasn’t 11 anymore. She was eight and it was that horrible day, the worst day of her life. “I’m sorry baby but I have to go.”

This time she wasn’t so composed. She broke down crying. “No! Don’t go! Please don’t go! Don’t leave me all alone!”
“I’ll be back in time for tea.”
“No! You won’t! Please! Please listen! I’m sorry about the rabbit! All I need is you! Don’t go!”
“It will just be for a little while.”
“It won’t! Don’t go!”
“Go stay with the neighbors.”
“No! I want to be with you!”
“I’ll be back in time for tea.”

And then the room fell away from her and she was somewhere else. There was a table, a long table with all the makings for a great feast, the perfect tea party. But she was all alone. It was just her. “Papa?” she called out. But there was no answer. She waited and waited. The tea was growing cold. “Papa!” she sobbed. But no one was there to answer. And in the remarkable way that time can in dreams, it sped up and yet felt slowed somehow. Decades passed. Her hair grew long and tangled. Eventually it turned grey. And there she stood at the table waiting for the papa whom by now she was certain was dead. But it was just her. Just her against the world. What could she do but wait? Wait for him or wait for her time to run out. She didn’t know which. She wasn’t certain it mattered.

And then suddenly there was a mirror, a giant mirror. She touched the cool glass and her papa appeared just like she remembered him. But she was withered and old while he was still young. “Get it to work! Get it to work! Get it to work!” Hats. Hats. Hats. So many hats in the mirror. A mountain of them. No, several mountains. And still he made more. “Papa!” she screamed. But he couldn’t hear her. She pounded her fist against the glass. She could see him! It wasn’t fair! She had to get to him! The hour glass was running out! She had to see him before it was too late! “Papa!” The glass shattered and then it was just her, all alone again. She woke up screaming.

But...She wasn’t in her bed! She wasn’t in her bed! She came to her senses and suddenly she was standing on the roof! She scrambled to get her balance! How?! How had she wound up here?! What should she do?! What if she fell?! She could die! No! She couldn’t die! She’d just met her papa again! There was so much they had to talk about, so much to catch up on! She couldn’t die!

She tried to take deep cleansing breaths and pull her head together. She’d...done something similar before. It hadn’t landed her on the roof; but, she’d moved on her own like magic. She...she just...oh she had no idea what to do!

“Get a hold of yourself, Grace!” she, berated herself. She was a Girl Scout! And if Girl Scouts had taught her anything, it was not to panic during a crisis. That wouldn’t help. She could...sort this out. She just needed to be careful. She...didn’t think she could come back the way she’d gotten here. She didn’t quite understand how she’d...teleported? That was the word wasn’t it? So...yeah...That was out. As much as she’d hate to upset Papa...She should probably call him. He likely had a ladder or something he could use to get to her. There was no way she was climbing down the roof! They lived by themselves. She probably wouldn’t bother anyone else. “Papa!” she hollered. “Papa please help me!” She couldn’t fall! She couldn’t fall! Could he even hear her?! What if she fell before he could get to her?! No! It...It would be fine! Deep breaths! Deep breaths! “Papa!”

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Sleep often eluded Jefferson. Even though Grace was back in his life and he finally found that solace he had been so desperately searching for... sleep was not so easily restored. Still, the peace of mind that she was back with him allowed him to have a far more comforting night, even if it was not granted with slumber. He was sitting in his work room, one of them anyway, creating a man as cartography was his hobby. He was also cradling a cup of tea as he inspected his nearly complete map. All of a sudden, a faint voice in the distance pulled him out of his concentrated state. He immediately recognized the voice... able to make out the word that was being said. Had he not been reunited with Grace, he knew it would have just been the voices in his head playing cruel tricks on him. But this time... it could really be her. He raced to her room, wondering if she'd had a bad dream. "Grace?" He questioned as he threw open the door to her bedroom. Much to his horror, she wasn't in her bed. His eyes widened with fear as he frantically looked around the room. "Grace?!" He called again, his voice louder and more worried. He could still hear her calling out for him, so she wasn't far. This felt like his worst nightmare all over again... hearing his daughter call for him and not being able to get to her. What a horrible reminder of their separation but Jefferson knew she was no figment of his imagination. No. They had been reunited. Grace was with him. He just have to find out where she was. He raced to her window, flinging it open and sticking his head out as he looked at the yard for any trace of her. "Grace!" He called out. Hearing her voice yet again prompted him to look up and what he said made his heart leap out of his chest. There was his beloved Grace... on the roof?! "Hang on, Grace! I'm coming! Don't move!" He quickly instructed. He didn't have time to be scared or question how she had gotten up there. All he could focus on was getting her down. He rushed to garage, pulling out a ladder and carrying it outside. He leaned it against the house as he began to frantically climb up it, ensuring to maintain his balance. Once he got to his destination he remained on the top step of the ladder, extending his arms. "Come on, baby," he gently urged her, coaxing her to come to him. "It's ok, I almost got you," he added on. He had just gotten her back in his life and he was not going to lose her ever again.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[Grace Hatter]

She had no idea if Papa could hear her or not. Okay...What if he couldn’t? Should she keep shouting? Probably not. She’d used that trick they’d taught her in Girl Scouts if you were in trouble. Don’t just yell. Use your diaphragm. Project your voice. If Papa hadn’t heard her yet it was unlikely that he ever would. It would be a waste of breath. Either the walls were too thick, her voice too soft, or Papa too deep in slumber or some combination of the three. Although she seriously doubted it was the last one. Grace had been observant as a child and as she’d grown so had her power of observation. Papa was not a sound sleeper. Sleeping in general was difficult for him. When she’d been little and woke up screaming or crying because of some nightmare, Papa had instantly been at her side. Yes, she knew voices tended to carry in a one room home. But the response time was too good. He could come to her aid that fast because he’d been awake or only lightly sleeping.

And the lack of sleep hadn’t seemed to change over the years. She’d watched him with the magic mirror. In Wonderland...Sleep seemed like a very foreign concept to him indeed. Day after day, hour after endless hour, he made hats. The mirror could only show. It didn’t allow her to hear or communicate. But she knew enough. The sorcerer had told Grace about the magic hat the queen had stolen, the one that allowed Papa to travel to different worlds. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was up to. He was trying to make another one. Papa was fighting to get back to her! How her hopes had risen with each new hat, praying that this was the one, that this time he’d done it. And how quickly they fell, were bitterly crushed time and time again when each hat proved to be just one more failure, an unwelcome reminder of the time that continued to slip away from the two of them.

Grace could admit she’d become obsessed. She didn’t want to forget Papa’s face. She didn’t want to forget anything about him! She didn’t wish to worry the neighbors so she’d never mentioned her visit to the sorcerer. They would have skinned her alive if they knew who she’d gone to see totry and figure out what had happened to Papa after the queen hadn’t given her the answers she sought. But things had ended well enough. Sort of...She’d been depressed to learn that Papa was trapped in a whole different world without his portal. And it had certainly been difficult to give up the stuffed animal Papa had made for her right before he left. That had been her most cherished possession in all the world. But that was the deal. Give him the stuffed animal in exchange for information. (Although she couldn’t understand for the life of her what someone as powerful as him would want with some stitched toy!) And she had to know the truth! This was her only hope! And then she’d given up that dear jacket she adored with the little colored leaf pattern, the one Papa had buttoned up for her before he left. It was too small to fit by that point; but, it didn’t matter. It was a fervent reminder of Papa, as precious as it was painful. It made the memory of their parting ever more poignant. But like the rabbit it was proof of the bond they shared, of just how much Papa had loved her to make such things for her in their poverty. She’d given it up anyways because the sorcerer had said he could give her something that might help, the magic mirror.

She gazed in the mirror daily. She couldn’t say wether the mirror was a blessing or a curse; but, it was all she had of Papa. At least she could see him and know he was alive. But he was not well. He was...She hadn’t liked that deranged look in his eyes or his obsessive behavior. But whenever she could get away with it, she’d watch him. She supposed the neighbors would say she wasted away her days. But they were none the wiser. Grace wanted to be good for Papa and show her gratitude for the kindhearted neighbors who cared for her. She helped them as much as she could. She just devoted her spare time to the mirror, silently encouraging Papa with words she knew he’d never hear. Perhaps the mirror was a cruelty rather than a gift. All she could do was watch helplessly, see her papa drift further and further into the realm of madness. She didn’t think he’d quite...lost it. But neither did he seem..entirely there. But then if Papa could see her...Perhaps he’d say the same. Weary eyes. Distant heart. Dreams she’d so carefully tended and built up just to see them mercilessly destroyed. Just another hat. Nothing magical. Nothing special. Not a portal Papa could use. So much grief. It pained her to see just how unhappy Papa was. She wanted to be with him, hug him, comfort him, let him know she was there and she cared and that she loved him! But she could do none of these things. Watch not touch. They were trapped in two different worlds, longing for the other, cursed to live separately.

But she could never give up the hope of a reunion, however brittle and frail it was. Papa tried to make his hat; and, she tried to find a portal. One of them would make it to the other one. Papa would come for her! And he had. He’d found her. That’s what mattered. It had taken an exhausting number of years and then another 28 cursed ones on top of those; but, here they were. And his sleep still seemed troubled. She wasn’t certain if Papa was aware of the nightmares she’d been having. She didn’t want to worry him so she tried to hide them. But she’d wandered down the stairs to get herself a glass of milk, hoping that would ease her back to sleep when she woke. And sometimes when she did so she’d spy a light that shouldn’t be on. But she said nothing about it and only tried to sneak back to her room, silent as a mouse. Because she seriously doubted that Papa worried about her any less than he had when she was a little kid. He’d want to know what was wrong. But it wasn’t so simple anymore.

When she was little she’d share each and every nightmare. Of course she would! Papa could make everything better! But now...Grace’s fears would hurt him. And the last thing she wanted was for him to feel any more guilty. She didn’t blame him for their cruel separation. Nor did she blame the queen. It was just...an unfortunate occurrence. Things had ended badly. If she blamed anyone it was herself. Why had she ever picked up the rabbit? She should never have touched it, never given Papa reason to doubt that he was all she needed. More than anything she wanted to ask Papa if he was upset with her for it, if he blamed her. And she wanted to know if...she’d turned out alright. Was she someone he could love and be proud of? But she couldn’t ask, terrified both of the answer and the strain it would put on her papa. So the nightmares...There was no helping them.

Don’t ask don’t tell was the name of the game. She didn’t ask Papa about his sleepless nights; and, she prayed he would do the same. It would be best if he didn’t even notice. She pretended she didn’t notice with him. It was a mercy. She was very good at the game. She just tried to be this supportive force to Papa. She hoped she could still be that for him. But maybe she couldn’t be! Maybe she was just this stranger! What if Papa looked at her and just wanted his little girl back, the one he’d left all those years ago in the Enchanted Forest?! What if he really hated who she was now?! What if her hugs just upset him?!

Calm down! Calm down! She really didn’t need this right now! She had to stay focused! If she got distracted and her foot slipped...She did NOT want this to be the end of her story, to die without ever asking Papa those difficult questions!

She was jarred from her painful thoughts by Papa’s voice, comforting as ever. There was no fear in his voice. He promised her he was coming!

Right! Right! Calm down. She should be like Papa and try to relax. She nodded her head to show Papa she understood. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. In and out. It would be fine. It would be fine.

Then Papa disappeared! He just left! What if she never saw him again?! It wouldn’t be the first time he’d disappeared! But at least last time........Get a grip! This wasn’t like that! Papa wouldn’t abandon her! He was just...getting a ladder or something! It would be fine. Just don’t move and wait for help. Remember the training. Do not panic. Fear made people irrational. She couldn’t afford to do anything stupid right now. Just focus on breathing and wait. Wait like a good little girl, Papa’s girl. She always waited for him.

She jumped, startled by the noise when Papa came out with a ladder in tow. She flailed and nearly lost her balance but...She got a hold of herself in time. “Papa!” Tears brimmed in her eyes; but, she quickly brushed them away. Stupid. Of course he came back for her! Papa always came back. She really needed to get this fear under control. She wasn’t going to be separated from him again! She wasn’t! The nightmares and fears were all just stress talking!

Grace smiled a bit at the “baby”. Papa still saw her as his! She really was still his little girl, wasn’t she? It was okay. She just needed to come to him. She again nodded her head to show she understood, as he held his arms out towards her. But...Could she make it there without falling?! She wasn’t clumsy or anything; but, she’d never walked on a roof before! Don’t look down! Don’t look down! Move! Papa told her to come! She always listened! She didn’t want to disappoint him! But there she stood, rooted to the spot, terror holding her prisoner. No! She could do this! She could do this!

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Papa was waiting for her. This time it was her turn to come to him. If she didn’t move...Papa would come for her and then he might lose his balance and get hurt or worse killed! She didn’t want that!

Heart pounding like mad she opened her eyes and tried to just pretend she was on flat ground. This wasn’t a roof. It was the floor. And there was Papa. She timidly moved forward, one baby step at a time. When she was within reach, she grabbed his hand, a bit too tightly, betraying her nerves. She stared at Papa with panic stricken eyes, silently asking what she should do next. She was going to fall! She was going to fall! She was going to fall!

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Jefferson watched with bated breath as she slowly inched toward him. The second she had hold of his hand, he felt a wave of relief wash over him at the contact. Not that he had her, he wasn't going to let her go. Ever. In one swift motion, he pulled her toward him, maintaining his balance on the ladder only now, he had her firmly in his arms. He closed his eyes, breathing a sight of relief as he kept his arms around her. The fear was still strong, though dominating it was now the relief of knowing that she was alright. Physically anyway. He wanted to ask her if she was ok, but knew that right now, the priority was getting them on the ground, not on this elevated level. Unfortunately the steps on the ladder weren't wide enough for both of them to descend. "Can you climb down?" He asked, planning to go first so that way, he could catch if she lost her balance. If not, then he would find another way. Even if it meant she had to hold onto his back while he climbed down. Anything to get her to safety.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[Grace Hatter]

Time..Time was distorted again. Ever since Papa left time had been...strange. In the Enchanted Forest after his disappearance, it had been the enemy. She couldn’t stand the thought of so much time passing, strangling the bonds between them, forcing apart their hearts. As more and more time passed, she got new memories; and, none of them contained Papa! It was like the memories of him were diluted by the new ones flooding in. She was pushed forward while Papa stayed in the past. She could see him in the mirror yes; but, that wasn’t the same! That wasn’t the same as being with him at all! Then in Storybrooke, time had been frozen. Twenty eight years had passed and yet no one aged. Everyone was on one gigantic loop, doing the same thing again and again. And few had felt the distortion as keenly as Grace or Paige as she’d known herself then. She understood that..Time was wrong. She didn’t know how. But she had deja vu all the time! And when there were anomalies like Owen...It grated in her head! Because she was the same age. And so..She knew it couldn’t have been that long since they came and yet...With each year it felt longer and longer! And just..It wasn't right, as much as she was at loss to explain it, as much as she feared she was crazy, that perhaps it was her brain that was wrong and not the town! And now here...Time...Everything seemed ridiculously slow! Seconds felt like eons. Step. Step. Heart pounding in her chest. Was this it?! Would she slip, would she fall and crack her skull, die before ever fully settling things with Papa, without ever apologizing?! She had to know how he felt about her now! Did he like the person she’d become?! A person could change a great deal in a few years and...For a while, she’d had no one to depend on with Papa gone. And..Maybe he hated the girl she’d grown into? And would he be upset if he knew she’d been a pirate for a time?! And what about the flute?! There were so many things she had to tell him! But she didn’t know where to start! Regret and despair threatened to consume her! It was the nightmare! It had really shaken her up along with whatever had caused her to come to the roof...some special magic maybe?! Just..Focus on reaching Papa! It felt like forever but she was sure only a beat after she’d desperately squeezed his hand, he’d pulled her towards him in one swift motion. It felt like she was suspended in the air...Like gravity didn’t quite work. But at any moment it would be switched right back on and she’d be hurtling..free falling before she collided with the ground! Her heart raced as she visualized fall, heard the snap! But it was all in her head. Eventually, Papa’s arms were wrapped tightly around her. She heard Papa’s sigh of relief and knew she was safe. Papa wouldn’t sigh like that if she was still in danger! She just..Had to calm down, had to try and convince her heart to stop attempting to beat its way clean out of her chest! It was alright now! Papa was here! She was safe in his arms! She nodded her head when Papa asked if she could climb. It wasn’t that she was afraid of heights. She’d never had an issue climbing trees. She really enjoyed that actually But it was one thing to climb and know where your steps took you and another thing to be...Suddenly on the roof with no support! But Papa had her and now there was the ladder! She’d be fine! Just...Remember her girl scout training! Deep cleansing breaths and don’t lose your head in a crisis! And Remember what her captain had always told her! Pirates were adaptable! And she was one still even without a ship! Her captain was still her captain! Grace gripped the ladder tightly as she suspected Papa would head down first. He’d be worried and want to catch her in case she slipped. So he’d move and she’d wait. But she wasn’t going to fall! She wasn’t going to cause Papa anymore trouble than she already had! “I’ll be right behind you Papa!” tag: --- notes: ---

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