Hollow Hearts (Jefferson)

[regina2]

It wasn’t enough! It just wasn’t enough. The curse was supposed to be her happy ending. She’d separated Snow White from her beloved Prince Charming. Snow was so far gone she never even realized she’d lost him. She didn’t even know who she was. The girl was practically afraid of her own shadow. Every time Regina came near her, she just jumped and tried to back away as quickly as possible. She didn’t fight back. There was just...Nothing. A hole in her heart. That’s what it felt like. Nothing she did...Nothing satisfied her. It was like she couldn’t feel properly. She still had emotions. There was frustration and anger. But she wasn’t content. She wasn’t happy like she was supposed to be. Rumple told her before.

“Something’s missing, isn’t it dearie? Now there’s a hole in your heart.” He’s said she’d underestimated the price of what she’d done. She hadn’t wanted to believe him. But now...Now she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been right.

At first when Owen and Kurt Flynn came to town she’d been horrified and livid. This was her curse. Strangers weren’t welcome. Strangers weren’t even supposed to get in. It was just supposed to be the people she brought over. But then...Owen had given her something, something special, something she hadn’t even realized was missing. The child had given her meaning, purpose. She was...happy. She liked to see him smile. Regina had only wanted to look after him, be with him. She’d offered his father a job; but, he’d turned it down. He wished to take Owen away from her! Why?! Why was everything precious snatched away?! Was someone like Regina not allowed to be happy for more than a moment?! One brief week of joy and then...like everything else in her life, it all went to hell.

They’d tried to leave so Regina tried to stop them. She knew they could be happy there! Own wanted to stay! Kurt would like Storybrooke too if he’d only give it a chance! She knew they could both live happily and peacefully there. But Kurt wasn’t even willing to consider it! He was going to take Owen away, the only thing that made her happy! She couldn’t handle that. Not again! She’d lost Daniel and her father and so many things. Why?! Why did she have to lose Owen too?!

The huntsmen had restrained the father. Regina had managed to get to the little boy. She assured him everything was fine, that she wasn’t going to hurt him. Crying, he’d asked why she was doing this. All she’d wanted was for him to stay! He said he’d liked it here! But when she asked Owen if he’d wanted to stay, he’d said, “Not like this”.

Seeing how scared and upset he was, Regina had given him something precious, something rare, an apology and a genuine explanation. She’d told him that she was sorry that she’d only wanted them to be happy. And then she’d let him go. She wasn’t like her mother. She wouldn’t force a child to stay, not when they wanted to be somewhere else. It had killed her; but, she’d released him, let him run off. She knew she’d never see him again.

He wouldn’t be able to find his way back to Storybrooke. It was some sort of miracle him and his father had found it in the first place. They’d just happened to be camping in the right place at the right time. But now...Owen had left. He wasn’t in the middle of everything anymore. And the magic she’d used to build Storybrooke, it kept everyone she hadn’t ripped away from their worlds out. Even should he come back, Own wouldn’t be able to see it.

Owen gone...She felt so empty. Her eyes were moist and she knew she was close to crying. But she couldn’t! She wouldn’t! There would be no point! But...she needed comfort. And before she’d realized it, her strides had brought her to the absolute last place she should go. Why was she here? She’d find no peace here, not behind these walls.

But all the same, after all they’d shared, she couldn’t get his face out of her head. And she needed someone, someone who knew what was going on. Hatred would be better than the blank glances everyone else gave her. They didn’t know the real her! They only thought she was some scary mayor. Almost no one even called her Regina. But Jefferson would. At least she hoped he would. She needed that right now, someone to see her as Regina, not as a mayor or an evil queen, just Regina. She was still human after all.

If she rang the doorbell, she wasn’t sure if Jefferson would even answer. And she had to see him. So instead of doing the polite thing, she extracted her skeleton keys, rifling through them until she found the one with Jefferson’s symbol, the top hat. She slid the key into the lock and turned until she heard that satisfying click that said her work was done. She pushed open the door and stepped inside, letting the door swing shut behind her. “Jefferson,” she called out softly, voice choked up. Weak. Even to her ears, the tone sounded pitiful, pathetic even. What was she even doing here? What did she expect from him?

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Jefferson was going mad. Ha! The irony. The Mad Hatter going Mad. Well, there was the justification for his name. All those years he spent in Wonderland, making hat after hat... a cruel fate that had seemed to follow him into this strange world. While he was no longer in Wonderland, he was in an equally torturous prison. For he could see his daughter. She was so close, and yet, so far. She had no idea who he was and she was residing with another family... as if she had known this family her whole entire life. Never seeming to waver or having an doubt. No flicker of remembrance of a father. It had been this way for a week. How did Jefferson know? Because he had been watching her. Staring at her, through his telescope. He had barley slept, hardly eaten, he'd just been drinking tea and watching her. And when she would sleep, he would try to make a hat... one that worked. He knew well enough who was to blame for all this and it only fueled his anger. Or insanity. Call it what you will, Jefferson was livid. He wanted his life back. He wanted his Grace back. The two went hand in hand because well... Grace was his life. The idea of not being about to talk to her, to hold her, to be with her... it was getting to be too much. And it had only been a week. How long was this going to last?! The unlocking of the door and an all too familiar voice pulled him out of his current watchful state. He moved away from the telescope, numbed with... he didn't even know what. An array of emotions that he wasn't quite sure how to classify, or handle for that matter. He walked toward the source of the sound, recognizing how different the tone was. It did not hold the same strength of gloating manner that Jefferson had expected. He could instantly tell that something was wrong. But he didn't care. All he cared about was getting back to his Grace. "You." Was all he could get out as he made his presence known, standing in front of her, keeping a suitable distance between them. A woman he had cared so deeply for, yet one that it seemed he engaged in a game of betray tag with. "What have you done?" He questioned, his words unnervingly calm. Too calm. Too composed, considering all the rage and fear that was coursing through him. "What the hell have you done?!" He questioned again. Here he was, in a massive mansion... but he would trade this, and every thing he owned, if only to be reunited with his daughter.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

You...Hardly a warm greeting. But then she hadn’t expected one to begin with. That was why she’d used the skeleton keys because she hadn’t even been certain he’d let her in if she rang the doorbell. She could hardly blame him. He didn’t understand the full reasoning behind Wonderland. And she was in no state to explain it to him now. And even if she did, after all the betrayals...Would he even believe her? And if he did, would he even care? Regardless of reasons, she’d separated him from his daughter and left him at Mother’s mercy. She understood better than anyone else what a monster Mother was. But...She’d been scared.

In her desperation, she’d been paying much more attention to the Dark Curse Rumple had idly handed her. Well..It hadn’t been idle. But he’d been much more eager than Regina. She might not be Rumple level magic scholar but...Magic always comes with a price. She knew that. She’d lost track of how many damn times Rumple had told her that. She’d gotten the memo. Although Rumple thought she never really drunk it in. That wasn’t quite true. She was simply always willing to pay the price because she needed magic. And she'd be willing to pay it without fully understanding what it was.

For something called the “Dark Curse”, she figured the price would be steep. So she’d been hoping she wouldn’t have to resort to that. But countless failures had forced her to actually contemplate the curse. She knew a heart needed to be sacrificed. And for the curse to end all curses...She’d feared not just any heart would do. It might very well be the heart of the thing she loved most. Jefferson and her weren’t together by that point. No...Things had ended...rather poorly. Jefferson had gotten married, had a kid even. Yes...He’d built himself a fine family. Regina didn’t particularly want to think about the rage that consumed her when she’d first found out. She’d felt...forgotten, unnecessary, disposable...something left behind to fade away into nothingness, dissolve in the sands of time. But the severe pain was just proof of the intensity of her feelings, of the love they’d once shared. So yes...She knew she still cared about him. More than her father...The one who’d looked out for her happiness, the one who had saved her with his sweet smiles and tender touch, the one who had helped with Leopold and freed her...It was Jefferson. She cherished his heart above all others.

Her heart had grown darker, blackened since their separation. With them apart, she was terrified that one day at her wits end, she’d cast the curse, consequences be damned. She was an emotional creature, prone to fits of whimsy which could be useful or detrimental. And with her power...She didn’t want to do something she couldn’t reverse, that she’d regret forever. One day...Snow might push her too far. She might truly feel like she’d lost everything and that her only chance at happiness rest with the Dark Curse. She might give into her darker impulses likely with a nudge from Rumple. And then Jefferson would...

Mother’s scheme as dreadful and painful as it was, provided opportunity. It gave Regina a way to rescue her father and keep Jefferson safe. She very much doubted Jefferson had given Regina’s actions all that much thought, being consumed by hate the way he was. But she’d known the rules coming in. How could she not? Jefferson had taken her so many places. So..That being the case, why wouldn’t she have brought a guard or just some random person to leave behind in Father’s stead? It didn’t have to be Jefferson. And Jefferson valued family as much as her. There should have been no reason to lie to him. They’d...had their issues. But Jefferson understood how much of monster Mother was. Well..He couldn’t truly comprehend, not the way Regina had. How could he? He hadn’t lived in her oppressive household for years and years. But he knew about what she’d done to Daniel. And he saw the heart vault so..he could at least hazard a guess. Surely if she’d explained what happened, he’d willingly agree to help rescue Father.

But then nothing would be solved. Yes, she’d get her father back. But then what? Jefferson would still be in danger. He was the last person she wanted to hurt. But..of course she’d have to hurt him either way. But with the curse, he’d come back, be reunited with his daughter.

Jefferson thought she’d chosen her father over him. But really..It was the other way around. Jefferson’s heart was the one she’d protected. Her father’s was the one she sacrificed.

She...In the end she wasn’t sure if she could leave him there. He’d begged and pleaded and mentioned his daughter. She’d hesitated but...She had to save him! So long as he was in the Enchanted Forest and Snow was free...There was no telling what Regina would do in a fit of passion. And...Regina was lonely. Father would at least stay by her side. And..It had been Jefferson’s choice! He had been the one to leave Grace for riches. He should have understood that family was more important! Yes...She was rationalizing and knew it. There had been an easier answer hadn’t there been? Really...What had this curse done for her happiness? Maybe she would have been better off just trying to fix things with Jefferson to begin with. What?! What in the world was she thinking?! Yes...She felt weak and desperate at the moment; but, she couldn’t change what she’d done, couldn’t go back! So this sort of reflection was not only pointless but detrimental! It would stop NOW!

What had she done? She didn’t even know what he was asking. Was he talking about the Dark Curse? Or was he asking why she was so upset now?

And then he repeated the question, throwing the word hell into the mix, tone much more angry and far less civil. But..It was warranted.

It was an accident! She’d given him a nice mansion, anything he could ever dream of. But it wasn’t right! It was supposed to be for him and Grace both! It was supposed to be an indirect apology for Wonderland. But..This was the curse to end all curses. And it wasn’t exactly something she could test run. Maybe you couldn’t circumvent the curse for anyone. Maybe part of the price was that everyone suffered..including her. Rumple had warned her. Maybe..Maybe she should have listened. Maleficent too..She’d begged Regina not to do this to soldier on naturally.  She'd said quite clearly that this wouldn’t make her happy. Her only friend...And Regina had gone back on their agreement, snatched back the curse because she’d thought she’d needed it. Now she wondered.

“I cast the Dark Curse,” she said smoothly, seamlessly, sounding much more like her old self, confident, poised.

“It’s not to your liking?” she asked coyly. Why?! What was wrong with her?! That’s not what she wanted to say! Not at all! This wasn’t why she’d come here! But...She was so used to never revealing weakness after all those years as the ‘Evil Queen’. Now...Had she entirely lost the ability to open up to people?

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Her response just caused him to stare at her with empty eyes. The Dark Curse. Of course he had heard the rumors, but he had never expected it to actually have occurred. He had so many questions... but none of them seemed relevant right now. For all he could think about was his daughter. It was her next question that brought him to a state of disbelief. She was asking him that it wasn't to his liking? He stared at her for a few moments, before he began to laugh. The laughter was hardly jovial; more... maniacal. He couldn't help himself. The gloating, the way the words dripped so smoothly from her lips. All he could do was laugh. After all, he knew what the others said about him... the madness that he had. The insanity that had dominated him. Granting him the horrid name of... The Mad Hatter. "And I thought I was the one who was insane..." He said in sadistic amusement as his laugher began to slow. Clearly, she was the crazy one for asking him that question. No no. He supposed she wasn't crazy. Just... cruel. So very cruel to part him from her daughter yet again. Was there no semblance in her of the woman he had once loved? As his laugher began to slow he reached into his pocket and pulled out the revolver. A strange weapon of this world, yet one he had familiarized himself with as his insanity threatened to make him take his own life. But all he need think of was Grace... and that was what he had worth living for. He pointed the gun at her, his expression abruptly shifting from amusement to dead seriousness. He knew pointing a gun at her was futile. Ridiculous even. She was extremely powerful with her magic. Did she still even have magic? Never the less, he had the gun aimed at her, his finger on the trigger. "Uncast it," he demanded, his tone leaving no room for debate. Despite his anger and frustration for all this... he knew deep down he could never actually pull the trigger. He could never even attempt to kill her. He was no murderer and he feared she knew that and would call him out on his bluff. But whatever compelled him to pull out the gun, caused him to keep it aimed at her, as he possessed some far fetched notion and belief that she would actually comply with his demand.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

Jefferson just stared at her with empty eyes. Honestly...She didn’t even know if Jefferson had heard of the Dark Curse. She still hadn’t been ready and willing to cast it when she’d left him in Wonderland. She’d feared the day she’d break down and use that spell was close at hand; but, several years had passed before she’d been pushed past her limit, before she had to resort to that. There hadn’t been that many rumors about it until right before she’d cast it. But it wouldn’t be surprising if Jefferson recognized the name. He’d worked for Rumple for a long time after all. And Rumple was the one who crafted it. And besides that...When they’d first met all those years ago at her question as to what he knew about it he’d said, “I hear things. Jefferson's the name, and I'm a man who travels and sees much.” Information was his bread and butter as much as magical artifacts. So he might have heard something or other about it.

Honestly...She had no idea how Jefferson would handle her coy question. It wasn’t what she wanted to say. It wasn’t why she was here. But the words had burst from her lips unbidden. By now...She was just so used to the facade, pretending to be this unphazeable, cold, unyielding queen. Nothing stirred her heart. She cared for no one’s happiness but her own. Others wished to believe it and so she played the part to perfection.

Jefferson was silent for a while and Regina’s alluring amber orbs never strayed from his face. They bored straight through him, never once betraying her fragile state, all the despair and confused feelings swirling around inside her. They said eyes were the windows to the soul and it was true. But thanks to years of practice, Regina knew how to steel them, lock the emotions away so only she would know, only she would feel them. No, even at a weaker moment, the voice was what cried out against her. But only once, for that pitiful word. Now it was under control. Her words had been biting and nearly cruel; but, at least they hadn’t been choked up, unsteady like before.

Eventually Jefferson laughed; but, the sound contained no mirth, no traces of warmth. It was maniacal and very disturbing. Just...What exactly had happened to him in Wonderland so that he could make such a sound? Regina feared what Mother had put him through. But her mask was slipped firmly in place. She was the epitome of calm and composed, collected and cool. Her anxiety was well hidden, nowhere Jefferson could get at it. Not yet at least.

Regina certainly didn’t like being labeled crazy. Although...maybe crazy was preferable to evil queen. She wasn’t sure. She’d have to think on it. But she was more...concerned about Jefferson at the moment. He was a good deal less stable than she’d thought. She had been...avoiding paying any sort of attention to him given Wonderland. She just...She didn’t quite know what to do about it. And him standing before her like this...Now she was really at a loss. Her concern was enough to briefly drive away the grief of losing Owen. Now, Jefferson was at the center of her thoughts, completely commanding her attention.

Talk about being unhinged! All of a sudden he pulled out a gun! A gun! And he was aiming it straight at her! Now she was nervous, scared even. She hadn’t realized he’d even had one. Was it loaded?! If it was...Should he pull the trigger...There was no magic here. If he pointed and pulled...So long as his aim wasn’t abysmal...She’d die..Just like that, all her dreams and ambitions snuffed out in an instant.

Her mask never faltered. Even as her heart raced and her thoughts went wild, imagining one thousand unpleasant scenes in a split second, all involving a loud boom and a gruesome death, blood spilled over his beautiful carpet, still she appeared placid, tranquil even.

At his command to uncast it, she laughed, the sound light and airy, amused. So, he didn’t understand that magic didn’t work here then. She couldn’t ‘uncast it’ even if she wanted to. There was a reset button of sorts; but, it wouldn’t do what he wished. It wouldn’t take them back just destroy everything.

“Come now. Put the gun down, my dear Jefferson,” she said smoothly, walking straight towards him, seemingly without fear. She possessively caressed his cheek in a condescending fashion. “Put it down my love. We both know you won’t shoot. If you do...What would happen to your poor Paige? She’ll never go back to being Grace. You kill me and you murder the only family you have left. You’ll never get back your loving daughter.”

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Regina didn't even flinch upon seeing the gun. And he shouldn't be surprised. She often held a stoic and composed nature, this was no exception. He should have anticipated her confidence... but he was desperate. So very desperate to hold his Grace in his arms once more. To tell her that he was sorry. To promise her that he would never leave her again. It was all he had thought about in Neverland, that need to get back to her. And now... here she was but yet still so far out of reach from his grasp. And once again, it was due to Regina's actions. Her laughter agitated him. She was so content here wasn't she, creating a world where she could thrive while others suffered. Was there no one else she had privileged? Was every else the same as him? But why. Why did he remember. When she neared him, she caressed his cheek and he jerked his head away, not wanting her to touch him. Despite how once, he longed for her touch. He basked in it, in the love he felt for her. She would always consume a part of his heart but not like this... not when she was doing this to him. He turned his head to look at her, staring directly into her eyes. "I am not your dear. And I'm not your love." He knew that the emotional suggestive of these terms were probably not literal... not in the same way they had been used many years ago. He didn't want to hear them from her lips. But there were the words of Grace... the rationality of why he shouldn't kill her. Because then he would have no hope of being reunited with her. Was there even any hope with Regina alive? Despite the conflict he knew very well that he couldn't kill her. As angry and betrayed he felt by her... he could never kill her. "Her name is Grace," he stated, never wanting to hear her being referred to as Paige. That was not the name Lyall and him had decided for her. She was his Grace, not another's Page. Jefferson then took a few steps back, away from Regina as he turned and began to pace. He casually waved the gun in his hand, nonchalantly holding the barrel against the back of his head with his finger on the trigger as he walked around, his mind flooding with thoughts. He didn't do this with any thought of suicide... he was merely disregarding the danger of the gun... his mind not quite processing his current position. "Then tell me how to be reunited with her," he said, still pacing, still holding the gun. "Tell me how I can get her back," he added, stopping to look at Regina, refusing to beg her yet at the same time... wondered if his state of desperation would lead him to that point. "The memories," he began to say, not necessarily to her but merely... talking out loud. Which was not infrequent. It was one of the many results of his maddening time in Wonderland where he had slowly lost grip of reality. "So many memories," he said, starting to pace again, and casually waving around the gun once more. "Why do I remember? Why doesn't she?" He was both asking Regina and himself... as if trying to vocalize all the questions he had in his mind about the curse. He didn't care if it made him sound insane. He was insane. Grace was the last hope of any sanity that could be found and she was clearly not so easily attainable.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

Jefferson jerked his head away from her caress. It was hardly surprising considering the circumstances; but, in her more fragile state, she’d be lying if she didn’t acknowledge the gesture stung somewhat. Once he’d yearned for her touch just as she’d longed for his. Or had that all been pretend, some game he’d played? Had he planned on betraying her from the beginning?

Even now...She hated herself for how weak Jefferson made her feel. That she could let someone stir her heart like this...Stroking his cheek...It was supposed to be a power ploy, a gesture to assert her dominance and control. But it awakened feelings, emotions that should have been long since buried, hammered into the ground. But fortunately, in a state like this, her heart was comparable to a sieve. What she felt, what she touched, what she stirred, it didn’t linger. It slipped right through before she could process or make sense of any of it. All she knew was that she felt something she shouldn’t. Maybe it was best that he pulled back quickly. She wasn’t here to rekindle old flames. She was...Why was she here exactly? Yes, she was depressed, crushed even after Owen’s abrupt departure. But what exactly did she expect Jefferson to do about it? Surely after everything she’d put him through, he’d be indifferent to her suffering at best and derive joy from it at worst. Why was she here?

“Call yourself what you like, Jefferson. But you will always be mine!” Her tone was firm and decisive and oddly enough, did not come off as possessive in spite of the words. And she, as difficult as it might be to accept, actually did believe those words. The two had shared so much from love to hate, from sweet ecstasy to bitter tears, from promises of a future and stability, a home to vile betrayals. After spending so much time together, divulging so much in moments of strength as well as weakness...Well bits and pieces rubbed off on one another. A part of Jefferson’s heart would always belong to her no matter who he slept with, no matter who he married. He would forever be her Jefferson.

“Her name was Grace,” she said cruelly, a wicked smirk playing across her lips. “Here, it’s Paige.” Jefferson didn’t want to play nice? Well then she wouldn’t play nice. Two could be biting and tart. Her vulnerability meant nothing to him, clearly. So why should his desperation mean anything to her?

He stepped back and paced; and, Regina let him. She didn’t physically have the power to step in anyways (not without magic). And why not let the caged little bird stretch his wings a bit? He couldn’t leave. Maybe now he’d have a taste of just what Regina had been forced to endure all those stifling years as Leopold’s wife. That hadn’t been the intent. But she wasn’t beyond appreciating such pleasures.

Her eyes widened a bit in concern when Jefferson waved the gun at his head. But she quickly recovered herself. She couldn’t show weakness to him now, not when he was like this. Amber orbs took on a callously bored expression. Jefferson wouldn’t shoot! He couldn’t! He had Grace to worry about! This..This was all a trick, some show!

“And why should I tell you anything?” she asked coldly. There was nothing to tell! The curse had already been cast. The only magic here was in the things she’d brought over. What was done could not be undone. Unless the curse was broken; and, Regina had no intentions of ever letting that happen, Paige would remain Paige forever. And sadly since things had gone horribly wrong for whatever reason, Jefferson couldn’t have her.

She stiffed slightly when Jefferson resumed pacing, once more waving the gun around. It made her nervous! If it went off...Without her healing magic, she couldn’t save him! And with the gun aimed straight at his head like this...He would die in minutes! She’d watch him bleed to death on the floor and..NO! He wouldn’t do that! He hadn’t given up on being reunited with Grace! So long as he thought there was hope there, he’d never commit suicide!

“You remember because I willed it. I didn’t want you to forget,” she said smoothly. “But you and I are the only ones who know.” And possibly Rumplestiltskin. He’d crafted the Dark Curse. It wouldn’t surprise her if he’d built in some safety measure to protect his memories. But she hadn’t confirmed that yet. He was acting like all the other Storybrooke citizens so far; but, no one could deceive like the Dark One. She’d have to be on her toes.

She’d wanted Grace to remember too so that she could be a family with Jefferson to help make amends for Wonderland. She wasn’t sure where she’d gone wrong. Maybe the curse had to punish Jefferson, rip away what he held most dear. Maybe Regina’s magic wasn’t up to the task. Her control was not what Rumple’s was, as much as she was loath to admit it. Or maybe the issue was she’d tried to play too much with the girl’s head. As a gift to Jefferson, she’d attempted to make Grace forget the separation. She would remember everything up until Wonderland; and, then Regina would fill in the gaps with warm family memories between her and her father. Maybe that had been too much and being unable to handle that, she’d been given a cursed identity like the rest. Regina wouldn’t know. Magic theory wasn’t her strong suit. But what she did know was that she was not confessing vulnerability to Jefferson. Let him think her power was immutable, that everything was as she willed it.