Broken Dreams (Jefferson)

[regina2]

This was a really bad idea. Regina knew it and still here she was....She shouldn’t be paying anyone any visits right now, especially Jefferson. One, Jefferson had so many reasons to hate her. She’d separated him from his daughter twice now, once with the Wonderland trip and once in Storybrooke however accidental the second time had been. And then when she’d made another deal with him...She’d broken her agreement again. It was stupid. She could have given him what he wanted. Ten minutes would have been enough time. She probably would have only needed three to adjust two sets of memories. (She was quite adept at memory spells by now. And with the curse under her control, it was even easier to play head games.)

But Henry, her son, had been in a coma! She didn’t want to waste a single second on anyone else, even though she knew Henry probably couldn’t hear anything she said. And...Yes, she’d maybe been a little petty. If she couldn’t have her happy ending, if she couldn’t have her family, why should Jefferson get his? She was jealous. She’d lost her father. Yes, she’d been the one to rip out his heart herself, sacrifice him for the sake of the dark curse but...He was still her family! He’d understood; but, she missed him. Without his presence, she could feel so cold, so empty. He might have been weak willed and pitiful, wishing for happiness and doing nothing more no matter how much she needed him; but, the fact that someone cared about her through everything, it always brought her some semblance of comfort. She’d needed that, especially when she was know as the ‘Evil Queen’. Whole towns seemed to hate her; but, at least she had her father’s love. That was something.

He was dead now. So her son, Henry had been all she had left. And she’d feared she would lose him forever. Of course she would fight for him, do anything in her power to bring him back. But she understood better than most that sometimes people couldn’t be saved. And she’d been terrified this was one of those times, that Henry would just slip away because of her mistake, her deal. And Jefferson had played a part in it and however irrational it had been, that made her furious with him. If he hadn’t gotten the hat to work, if he hadn’t brought back the apple, they wouldn’t be in that mess. Yes, she knew it was ridiculous to blame him for something she’d asked for herself. As he'd said many years before, “I told you I deliver”. And he had. She was the one who’d been careless. She should have sat Emma down and watched her eat it. But no, she’d simply let her leave with the apple turnover.

What was she doing?! Beating herself up for past sins wouldn’t do her any good now. She had so much regret she could drown it. But Archie...No one believed her; but, she hadn’t killed him! Why in the world would she do something so idiotic after she’d promised her son she could change that she would redeem herself?! Even if she had killed the annoying grasshopper for chirping in the wrong ears, she’d never be so obvious about it. Regina had gotten away with orchestrating the king’s death. Taking care of one lone psychiatrist would have been much simpler. But no one was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt not even Henry. She’d watched his face when Emma told him that she'd murdered Archie, through the window of her car. He believed it, every word.

Now...The only person she thought who might believe her was Jefferson. They might have...a rather complicated history; but, he knew her, better than most. He’d met her almost right after she’d become queen. She had been so young and naive back then. He’d seen her change; but, he should understand that this wasn’t her, that she had no reason to kill Archie. Regina might be a whimsical creature at moments; but, despite what people thought, killing wasn’t something she did lightly. If it was necessary she’d do it, typically without hesitation. And if someone crossed her, there would be no mercy. But an argument...She wasn’t so petty that she’d rip someone’s life away for that. And if she was that badly traumatized by his remarks, she would have done something right then on the spot. The little werewolf couldn’t have stopped her.

She’d been avoiding Jefferson ever since the curse broke. Their last meeting had not ended well, Regina declaring she was done with him after going back on their deal. And they’d never had a proper conversation about Wonderland during their little chat. No, they’d been too focused on Storybrooke issues; and, Regina hadn’t wanted to touch that topic with a 50 foot pole. Sometimes the guilt still twisted her heart. What could she say to him? Sorry wouldn’t cut it, not after what she’d cost him.

And now his hat was ruined too. Although that was more Charming’s and George’s fault than hers. She’d tried to protect Jefferson, keep him out of Charming’s insane quest by telling him she didn’t remember who she’d gotten the hat from. But apparently Charming had found Jefferson anyways. She couldn’t imagine the tactful prince handled things well. So...She had another thing to add to the list of apologies she owed him, likely apologies that would never be voiced.

Regina finally made it to Jefferson’s mansion and paused outside his door. She shouldn’t be here. People were looking for her. If they found her here, she’d just drag Jefferson into her troubles which was the last thing he needed. He didn’t handle people well to begin with. But surely...No one would think to look here; and, it would probably be a fairly quick visit. She just needed to hear that one person believed her, that one person knew she wasn’t the monster the whole town thought her to be.

She took a deep breath and knocked, praying that Jefferson would be the better person, that he’d let her in after everything, be willing to see her if only for just a minute. If he didn’t...She’d truly have nothing.

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

For the first time in a long time, Jefferson finally felt like things were falling into place. Things were as they had once been. Happiness, had been found. For the most part. Because... he was reunited with Grace. She had forgiven him, even if Jefferson couldn't forgive himself for having abandoned her. But that seemed to be in the past. She was not holding anything against him and Jefferson knew he was undeserving of it. But nor would he reject her acceptance of him. Henry's words had really provided him with so much clarity that he wondered how long it would have taken him had the wise boy not encouraged him to seek her out. But that was a question he needn't be concerned with anymore. What mattered was that they were together and for for the first time in over twenty-eight years, his house was finally feeling like a home. All because of her. She was currently at her friend's house for as over protective as Jefferson was, never wanting to let her out of his sight, he knew that he couldn't confine her in the house as he had once been. She was far more social than he and it was causing him to interact with more people in the town. But not too many. One step at a time he supposed. He was currently engaging in his hobby of cartography with a freshly brewed pot of tea, when he heard someone at the door. He turned his head, staring at the direction of the bell for a few moments, thinking of who it could be as Grace had a key. He supposed he could just pretend that no one was home... or why lie and he could easily admit he didn't wish for company... however curiosity got the better of him and he made his way to the door. Nothing, would have prepared him for who he saw on the other end as he opened it. He stared at the woman, his face expressionless though her presence caused a rush of emotions to race through him. He indicated none of that. He just looked at her, his gaze unrevealing of any emotion at all. Words also left him, uncertain what to say. What was there to say to a woman that he had once... loved. Yes, loved. Though their history was... complicated, to say the least. And such complexities left him wordless for a few moments, before he finally found the voice to speak. "Well, well, well," he said, leaning against the threshold of the door, not yet granting her passage. Whatever the reason she was here for, he hardly imagined it was a good one. "What can I possibly do for you?" His words were calm, but bitterly sarcastic. For after their last conversation, she had made it very clear that she was done with him. Her words exactly.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

Regina released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding when the door creaked open. So..At least Jefferson was willing to see her for a split second. Of course...That didn’t mean much. He might not have realized it was her until just now. Although it was at least slightly comforting that he hadn’t immediately slammed the door in her face upon recognition. He stood there, face expressionless.

That was more than she could say for herself. Her eyes were still red from all the crying she’d done. Why?! Why had she sat through that in her car?! Did she want to torture herself?! But...She supposed some small part of her had hoped, had clung to the idea that Henry wouldn’t believe Emma, that he’d actually trust in her, his mother! But the way his face had instantly crumpled...She knew that wasn’t the case. Those tears..He’d swallowed every word. Now...He thought Regina was a monster. He didn’t believe for a second that she was redeemable, that she could change.

Jefferson...Jefferson wouldn’t feel that way, would he?! He might think she was some monster after everything; but, surely...He knew her well enough to understand that she’d never kill Archie at least not over something so petty and not so obviously! Really...She manipulated the genie into murdering her loathsome husband with none any the wiser! She wouldn’t be so careless! The fight..the witness..the missing files...How could they honestly think she’d be so stupid?! Yes...She had a reputation for being cruel and malicious during her reign. (Although she still didn’t feel her Evil Queen title was deserved.) But she was also known for being devious which meant she was clever and resourceful! What part of this screamed competent?! Imbecile absolutely but crafty...This didn’t sound anything like her! Jefferson would get that, wouldn’t he?! And...He’d think she could change wouldn’t he?! He’d known her when she was kinder, more gentle. He’d seen her change! But if she could change once, couldn’t she change twice?!

No, she could never go back to being that naive little noble, so confused she didn’t have the first idea as to how a queen could obtain a royal passport. And no she didn’t want to go back to being that helpless, that lost! (She hadn’t been stupid, though. She’d just known so little about politics and the outside world. There was a difference!) But...Her sympathetic heart...Surely that was something she could reclaim, wasn’t it?!

Jefferson didn’t say a word. But Regina wasn’t about to be the first one to speak. She didn’t think she could coax her tongue into working now even if she wanted to. And...She had not a clue of what to say, how to begin this.

And there was that snark she remembered so well. Yes, she’d loved him for his snide, creative jibes. But now..It stung. Yes...She’d understood what he was getting at. Before in the hospital she'd told him she was done with him. But..That wasn’t fair! Her little boy had been in a coma! She’d thought he was dying! She didn’t know if he’d ever open his eyes again! Magic was..finicky in Storybrooke at the time. This was after all the Land Without Magic. The only magic was in the things she brought over before Rumple had...been Rumple and done whatever the hell he’d done to restore magic. (All she knew was that it had something to do with bottling true love. Although how he’d done that...She didn’t have a clue.)

But..She’d learned a long time ago that life wasn’t fair. Of course he’d judge her for something she’d carelessly spat out when she was at her wits end, exhausted and fearful for Henry’s life!

She took a deep breath. She was the one who’d come to see him. It was only fair she try to explain however bitterly sarcastic Jefferson was being. At least he hadn’t demanded she leave. He was giving her a chance to say something. She should be grateful after everything she’d cost him. She knew that but...She couldn’t be! She was in so much pain! Henry didn’t believe in her! No one did! She needed someone..one person to say they knew it wasn’t true!

A few tears brimmed in her eyes before spilling over. Why...? Why was it always Jefferson who saw her cry? Regina rarely cried. Sorrow and grief were not particularly helpful emotions so she tried to numb the pain, focus on anger if she needed to. But she was human and an emotional creature as Jefferson had coined her. So there were times when she cried rare as they were. But usually they were reserved for when she was alone where no one could view her weakness and pick it apart. But this was the third time now Jefferson had seen her cry outside of their...whatever they’d had in the past. He’d been there that night with Daniel, when she’d lost him for a second time when Victor said the surgery was a failure and there was no way to bring him back. (That was before feelings had been professed.) She tried to regain her composure quickly but she hadn’t been fast enough. She’d gotten it together for Victor but not for Jefferson. Then there was the time when Henry had eaten the poisoned apple. Regina had thought she was alone but Jefferson was there. And Jefferson saw. And now...

“Please, Jefferson..I won’t take up much time. I don’t want to bother you. I know..You probably won’t believe that. But..You were never someone I wanted to hurt! But..I just need to know...Please..Please tell me..You don’t believe it do you?! You know I didn’t kill Archie don’t you?!” Her tone was frantic. She was making a spectacle of herself like this...Crying out in the open, voice a little too high pitched. She was a wreck...But..She had to know! Jefferson...He could hate her...She wouldn’t like it; but, she’d accept. it She’d consider it her due for the way she’d made him suffer because she was careless because she was selfish but...But...Please...Please at least let him know this wasn’t her! She wasn’t that person! She hadn’t killed Archie! There was still good inside her after everything! She wanted to change! 

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

She was clearly distressed. A state he had not seen her in for quite some time. She had become a queen, acting as if nothing fazed her, no one could get to her. Yet here she was, on his doorstep, asking him to not believe the others. He had heard what had happened... this was after all a very small town. He wasn't exactly the most social of citizens, but he still knew what they were saying. And truth be told... he didn't believe it. But nor would he defend her to the others. It was none of his business. There was just too much of it that didn't add up or make sense. He knew she was capable of murder, there was no doubt about that. But if this was premeditated like they were saying then she would have meticulously planned it, considering every contingency and leaving no trail of evidence... especially not a witness. But he wasn't quite ready to admit that to her right now. He didn't want to give her what she wanted. Not yet... if ever. "You've come to me for many things, Regina. Redemption was never one of them." Until now. "But it's funny that you do come to me whenever you need something. And so quick to dismiss another's needs." Mainly his. When he had wanted his daughter. He was still bitter over it all... how could he not be. "The town is against you, but that's not what's truly bothering you, is it?" He questioned rhetorically. He then began to walk around her, circling her as he continued to speak. "I think it's because of certain people who don't believe you." A certain person. "Henry." Her adopted son. "Must be a dreadful thing," he said with a little chuckle though it was hardly jovial. "To lose your own son's faith in you. To see the look on his face when he no longer believes in you. For him to believe that you're a liar." Why was Jefferson saying this? Because it was exactly what had happened with Grace. He had not seen her expression, but every day, he had feared her lack of faith in him... for never returning to her. For lying to her. She had forgiven him, but he would never forgive himself. Jefferson stopped walking when he had made a full circle, stopping to stand in front of her once again. He then moved closer, invading whatever concept of personal space there was as his face was mere inches from hers. "What a horrid thing for a parent to endure." Just like he endured. Just like she was enduring now. "Why do you even care what I believe?" He inquired. Surely she didn't care what he thought. Yet her actions of coming here today... suggested otherwise.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

Regina simply stood there, waiting for Jefferson’s answer, to hear what he thought, what he believed. Would he even tell her? Or this time would he be the one to end things? Would he insist he didn’t need her anymore? Regina supposed...Neither her or Jefferson were forgiving people. No matter how upset she’d been in the hospital, how frantic, she doubted Jefferson would ever let go of that spiteful, bitter remark she’d so careless spat out in a fit of rage and indignance. She just didn’t understand how he could have the nerve to bother her then when she was losing everything, the only person left who cared anything for her! Couldn’t he have given her space, a moment to grieve and cry? If he’d just come to her a little later...She would have helped! She would have kept her end of the bargain!

Being labeled as the Evil Queen, she was often misunderstood. But she took no pleasure in breaking deals. Rather, it was something to be avoided whenever possible. Yes, Regina put her interests first. If it came between her and someone else (if it wasn’t someone she loved) she’d pick her every time. So no, she wouldn’t lose too much sleep if for whatever reason she couldn’t follow through with her nectarous promises. But she did try her hardest to offer what was agreed upon. It had less to do with being a good person and more a matter of practicality. Those who betrayed others without a second thought were quick to find themselves knee deep in treachery. Why should someone trust you and assist you if your word meant nothing? But for one who kept their deals, they built a good reputation for themselves, fostered trust. And so they could use various parties again for other things.

Yes, Regina had turned into a deceptive creature, using guile and manipulation to get what she wanted, what she felt she was entitled to. But a hidden agenda did not necessarily completely nullify the open one. Regina had never wanted to be hated. Far from it. She’d longed to be loved. It killed her when she first heard the title “Evil Queen”. She’d been forced to embrace it to distance herself from people, to put up walls around her heart so the cruel words could no longer sting. Even as she accepted the name as unfair as she found it, there was always that tiny part, the piece of her heart she couldn’t quite smother and strangle herself that did wish for love and affection, acceptance. So often times..She didn’t just pretend to like someone. If she seemed nice, she often did actually want to be liked back. Of course...That wasn’t always the case. Some people really were just pawns to be played with, tools to fulfill her schemes.

She’d twist minds, bend wills to hers through sweet words of manipulation. You could typically build better allies if you offered someone their heart’s desire and had them charge ahead willingly, hoping to receive the honeyed fruit you promised. Regina’s promises were usually sincere. Keeping one's word ensured loyalty. You never knew when you could use someone’s help again. Good for business. But she wouldn’t cry herself to sleep if for some reason or other she couldn’t follow through on her end of the bargain. Tears were weakness. And yet...Here they were..tears trickling down her cheek. She furiously dabbed at her eyes, willing them to stop.

Here...Jefferson was forever the exception. She had cried herself to sleep after breaking both deals with him. It didn’t matter that one was for his protection and the other was destroyed because she was simply in no state to fulfill it or think about anything besides Henry. Jefferson...He was forever the one person she didn’t wish hurt however much she tried to deny that even to herself. Now...At her limit, at her weakest, depression threatening to swallow her whole, she couldn’t rationalize her feelings away. She still...felt something for Jefferson. That was why at her worst, at her most vulnerable, she always came to him like now even as she didn’t know what she was looking for. He was the answer. He was always the answer to the question she didn’t even know how to formulate.

Yes...She’d come to him for many things over the years. But he was wrong! She’d come to him for redemption! No...She hadn’t phrased it like that but...When she waited for him as Leopold’s miserable wife...He was her redemption. Because of him, she could cling to her kind heart a little longer. She could believe in Snow’s goodness. She regretted her bitter feelings towards the girl, understanding to some extent that Mother was the monster who had used and manipulated Snow. Deep down, she knew it had been an accident, that Snow had been deceived. With Jefferson..He gave her so much. Being with him, it was like being forgiven for her dark thoughts, her crumpled heart. He breathed new life into it, helped her see all the sweet, wonderful things multiple worlds had to offer.

But there was no point in correcting him. She doubted he’d believe it and...It just hurt too much to think of, all the things that had gone wrong. How...How had they even gotten to this point? Once he was hers and she his and no matter how awful the world seemed, his smile was enough. He could make her happy. And she could make him smile and laugh. Now...She didn’t even know what they were doing to each other, what they felt.  But surely...It was sick and twisted, just like her tarnished soul.

Regina might be quick to dismiss others’ needs in general but not Jefferson’s. His were important. She’d given him a mansion, everything he could want. She’d tried to give him Grace! She’d..failed there likely given the nature of the curse. But it wasn’t for lack of trying! It wasn’t something that was simple to fix after the curse was cast and there was no magic in this land! It had taken her years and years to even realize she could convert magic into other magic. Not like she would admit such weakness to Jefferson even now. Today..It wasn’t the time for that story. She had to leave quickly. If someone caught Regina with Jefferson...Who knew what they would do to him! They’d probably assume he was collaborating with her, protecting a vicious murderer!

His question was rhetorical; but, she couldn’t help but wince at the blatant display of acidity, tartness. She knew where this was going and...She didn’t like it! But...She’d come to him and he had every right to say his peace. All she could do was listen and try to be grateful that he hadn’t kicked her out yet.

The gratitude ran thin at the word Henry. She didn’t want to think about her son now! He didn’t believe in her! He honestly thought she was this irredeemable evil queen figure, a heartless murderer, a monster!

Regina shook slightly when he laughed and said it must be a dreadful thing. The sound had hardly been jovial but it hit a nerve. Yes...Dreadful didn’t begin to cover it. But did he stop?! Oh no! He kept on going. By the time he got to the word liar, tears were freely flowing down her cheek again.

Her vision was blurred...But she could see well enough to know he was circling her. She didn’t move. Why should she? She just...She didn’t even know what to do.

Eventually he stopped and moved in closer, the way he used to, completely denying any personal space bubble. But here...It wasn’t a comforting gesture. She didn’t know what it was. She felt like a broken record today. Didn’t know. Didn’t know. Didn’t know.

Her slight shaking grew into a violent tremble when he commented on what a horrible thing it was for a parent to endure.

His final question...She just didn’t even know what to say...Why did she care what he believed? Why was it so important? Why did she care so much? But she couldn’t keep silent. He’d asked but...

She swallowed hard, coaxing her tongue to work. “I asked you first!” Her tone was defiant and fierce even as she stood there shuddering, tears pouring from her eyes, shattered vessels leaking broken dreams. “Jefferson...Do you believe me?” This time her voice was so soft that Jefferson wouldn’t have been able to hear it had he not been nearly pressed up against her.

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Jefferson derived no pleasure in seeing her cry. He was not of such a sadistic nature. But he knew that the tears were inevitable. Regina had often been a victim of circumstance... but this time, Jefferson could not be entirely supportive. Not after all that had happened. He may believe her, but he was not going to offer this solace to her. Not yet. If ever. Deep down he knew he would. For the same reason he had trusted her to keep her end of the bargain, despite what happened in Wonderland. Her tone then reflected her often defiant and strong nature as she stated that she asked him first. While that was true, he was not going to play along with that logic. She had after all, been the one to come to him. She sought him out. He owed her nothing. Her tone took a softer volume when she once again asked if he believed her. He did not move. He just stared at her with the same expression, one corner of his lip twitching into a slight smile for only a brief second before regaining his former expression. "The irony," he began to say. "I could so easily prey on your state of desperation. Your peak of vulnerability." Just like she had, reminding him that he had no other option than to agree to her deal for it was the only way to be reunited with his Grace. Just as she had preyed on his desperation in the deal that had trapped him in Neverland. He then leaned even closer to her, further eliminating any distance between them but once again, not in a romantic nature. Not as it had once been between them many years ago. "But that's what you do. And I'm not you." Sometimes, he wished he could be. But she had told him once that he didn't have it in him to kill, and she was right. He couldn't be as vindictive and vengeful as others. "I don't owe you an answer," he further stated. "So why don't you answer my question first, before I even considering answering yours." Why did she care what he thought when she was supposedly done with him.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

Waiting always killed her, made her feel so very small and weak, powerless. She didn’t like it. For so much of her life she’d been helpless, forced to do as Mother or Leopold wished. In the end, all she could do was cling to her philosophies and ideas, try to keep her nature and heart the way she wished. Even speaking her mind was a power denied to her at moments. If Mother found her words disagreeable, she’d levitate Regina and choke her with her magic to make her take it back, promise to be good. And for Leopold, an honest opinion could very well mean the death of someone important to her. So she’d been forced to conceal her heart and act in secret.

Waiting like this...It reminded her of such bitter times. She’d have to wait for Mother to sleep or be elsewhere so she could sneak in a moment or two with Daniel. She’d need to wait for Leopold to travel or sleep or give her permission to flee to the gardens before she could see Jefferson. Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...It was all she could do. There were no other options left to her.

Now it was like that again. She’d come to Jefferson, seeking consolation, redemption, salvation. But there was no guarantee he’d give her any of that. She couldn’t force him and didn’t want to. It wouldn’t mean anything if she did. She just...longed for one person to believe in her if only in this limited respect. Archie’s death wasn’t her doing! Surely after everything, Jefferson understood her well enough to know that! They hadn’t become complete strangers had they?! He still knew her heart better than anyone else, didn’t he?!

Even as she cried and shook, Jefferson didn’t change his expression for her. He just stood there, staring. Eventually one corner of his lip twitched into a slight smile but only for a split second. It was gone so quickly she couldn’t even be certain the expression had ever existed in the first place. She couldn’t see clearly with all the tears. And...even if he had birthed that slight smile...She couldn’t fathom the meaning. Was he happy to see her in such pain? No! That couldn’t be it, could it?! Jefferson wasn’t such a sadistic creature! They’d both changed a great deal since the first time they met but...just as Regina never wanted to see him suffer...Surely he couldn’t be pleased with her vulnerability, her fragility. He wasn’t such a man! He wasn’t!

He spoke but his words brought no comfort, not like she’d been expecting any. Yes..She was delicate, weak, susceptible. Should he choose to do so, he could easily capitalize on her desperation.

Jefferson leaned in closer still until there was no space between them and she could feel his warm breath on her cheek as he spoke. But the gesture wasn’t tender or sweet. There wasn’t the briefest trace of affection. This...This was a power ploy plain and simple. She was at his mercy being so frail, so unsteady and he knew it.

His words were like a knife wrenched in the heart and cruelly twisted. “That’s what you do. And I’m not you.” But...They were so true she couldn’t deny them. Hadn’t she done just that to countless people, prey on their fear and desperation, their fervent wishes to get what she craved? But...She wasn’t always that way! And she didn’t want to be that person anymore! She was trying to redeem herself! But how could she do that when no one including her own son believed in her?! Was she a fool to think Jefferson would believe her in this? Was his heart so blackened with hatred so turned to stone that even he would assume the worst of her?! She wasn’t a monster! She’d made some terrible choices, done some awful things but...Evil wasn’t born! It was made! Couldn’t people sympathize with her?! Couldn’t she be forgiven?!

No..He didn’t owe her an answer, didn’t owe her anything, not after everything she’d stolen from him. Yes...She’d had her reasons. But that didn’t make up for what she’d done. She’d never even properly apologized. But then...She wasn’t good at saying sorry. And apologies alone couldn’t fix anything.  (She knew that all too well, from first hand experience.)

She shuddered harder than ever, trying to think up some response. And the tears came even faster now. “I don’t know, Jefferson! I just don’t know! Isn’t it enough to know I do care?! I shouldn’t! I know that! I’ve tried so hard to not care to get you out of my head but...It doesn’t work! It never worked! Not once! When I cast the curse and it left a hole in my heart...You were the only one who could make me feel anything! It was always you!”

[Jefferson]

holding conflicting realities in

Jefferson couldn't confidently say that he had ever expected this type of conversation to happen. He hadn't expected her to come to him... for the tables to be turned and her being the one asking something of him in this way. She was the vulnerable one, just as he had been for so long. He wasn't basking in how it felt for her to feel what he had for so long. It wasn't about her feeling his pain. It was about acknowledging that she shouldn't care about what he thought, when she so easily disposed of him at the hospital. It seemed she wasn't as done with him as she thought. Her words of how she cared but knew she shouldn't, caused many thoughts to race in his mind, though he didn't flinch or show any reaction. He only moved his head back and stood in an upright position as he mulled over her words. Truth be told, he didn't know what her feelings for him were. It was true, that both of them had done things to hurt the other... and it seemed that both of them had their reasons for doing it. But Jefferson couldn't safely say that he felt comfort hearing what she said. "No," he began to say, answering the first part of her question, even if it was meant to be rhetorical. "It's not enough to know that you care. You only care when it has to do with you. When you need something from someone." She didn't care either time she'd separated him from his daughter, when she knew full well that Grace was all he had. He blamed himself primarily, but he blamed her as well. All the tears Grace had cried, all the trauma she had endured... was because of his separation from her. She was talking about how she felt... how he was the only one who made her feel anything. "And what about what I feel?!" He snapped, his voice not overly loud but held a stern and lashing tone to it. "Did you ever once consider how I felt when you left me in Wonderland after you got what you needed? Or when you separated me from my daughter for nearly three decades? Or when you backed out of our deal because you could so easily dispose of me?" All his questions were rhetorical, for he didn't expect an answer from her. He imagined this conversation was a long time coming. "Can you even imagine what it would be like to be separated from Henry for a lifetime?" He paused for a moment, allowing the thought to fill her mind. "You can barley handle the fact that he doesn't believe you. Imagine him not even knowing who you are." That, was just part of the pain in his separation. "Why do you deserve comfort when you deprived my daughter of years of it?" This question, was not so rhetorical. Do what she may to him, but how could she do that to Grace. "Whatever past we had Regina... she was innocent. And yet she suffered." Just like he had. "You can't even begin to imagine what it's like." Especially now that she knew what it was like to be a parent. How much your child meant to you. "You don't do what you did to people you care about." Which was why he had trouble believing that she cared for him at all. For she knew how important Grace was to him... and disregarded that completely. Hell, she had even used it against him. He wasn't trying to fuel her devastation... but he could no longer remain silent when she spoke of how she felt so much for him. Even though deep down, he knew he would always love her. The woman that she had been, not the one who became consumed with vengeance. And he supposed, he was starting to see glimpses of the former woman now... the one who had been the Regina he loved.

your head will drive you mad

made by remi of isc & rilla go!

[regina2]

Jefferson didn’t exhibit any response at all to her words, not right away. He stood there as though deep in thought for a moment before casually moving his head back as though to ponder her response further. He said nothing and all she could do was wait, eyes still leaking tears, body still shuddering like there was no tomorrow. She couldn’t tell if her heart felt too tight or like it was about to explode from beating so furiously. She...Numb certainly wasn’t the word to describe her mental state. But there was so much she was thinking and feeling. Too much! The sheer enormity of the emotions overwhelmed her to the point where she couldn’t process any individual feeling. She didn’t know what she was feeling, what she was thinking, what she wanted. All there was was Jefferson and a response that could free her, make her heart a trifle lighter, or condemning words that could slit her throat and smother her heart for good, bleed it dry until nothing remained. No goodness. No hope. No anything. Nothing but despair.

At his no, her heart plummeted. It literally felt like the air was being ripped from her lungs. No matter how much she inhaled...It was like she got nothing. Blood drummed loudly in her ears. Dizziness threatened to overcome her as Jefferson’s form swam before her eyes. It...Wasn’t right...Wasn’t quite straight. Just..She felt sick. And the tears kept right on coming.

So..Her feelings didn’t matter at all to him. He didn’t care what she felt. That wasn’t enough. What...What did he want from her?! What did she want from him?! Why...Why had she thought for a second that he could save her?! She was long since lost. If her own son didn’t believe in her...She should have known no one else would. She’d never be forgiven. No one would ever trust her again. No one would ever look at her with tenderness in their eyes. She could die right here, right now and none would shed so much as a single tear. People would sigh in relief, knowing the Evil Queen was done. They’d never have to fear her again.

Regina was in so much pain, it was difficult to concentrate on Jefferson’s words. But she’d come to him. He hadn’t kicked her out. And even as the whole world tossed and turned, she had a responsibility to hear him out. Jefferson..He was the one person Regina wanted to understand her heart. Maybe...She was a fool....But some part of her still clung to the hope that he could be convinced that she was innocent at least in this, that she’d had nothing to do with Archie’s death. And maybe...Maybe she could even persuade him to think she was redeemable. She’d changed once! He’d witnessed it! Couldn’t...Couldn’t he see her change back?! Didn’t he think it was possible?! He was a portal jumper! He’d seen so much in so many lands! Surely, he’d observed stranger things!

At his lashing tone, the tears poured out faster still. Regina hadn’t thought she had so many tears locked up inside her. But she wept them freely now. Yes! She’d thought about how he felt as much as she’d tried to rationalize her care away, as much as she’d tried to avoid thinking of him all together! He was the one person she never wanted to hurt!

She was weak. She was fragile. She had...nothing left to lose. Why not finally speak the truth after all these years? He already saw her for the pitiful wretch she was, someone with a blackened heart and twisted soul. There was no point in donning the brave, indifferent mask, the one of the powerful, imposing, regal queen.

“You don’t understand Jefferson.” Her tone was broken, words spoken in the demeanor of one frustrated but thoroughly convinced she’d be unable to get someone to understand the truth of them.

“Wonderland...The timing was right. Rumple had given me the Dark Curse some time back. Originally, I didn’t think I’d need to rely on it. But after so many failures, I began to consider it more seriously. I was starting to think that it might be the only way to get my happy ending. But...I know I don’t need to tell you all magic comes with a price. It mentioned a heart that needed to be sacrificed. I thought...I was scared! I thought I might have to sacrifice the heart of the thing I loved most! And..I knew it was you! I didn’t want to do that! But I knew I was weak! I thought..I thought at some point some failure would push me too far. In my grief or my rage, I’d be impulsive and cast the curse without a second thought. But..You’d have to die! I didn’t want to build my revenge on your corpse! When Father was abducted...I thought that was my chance. I could leave you in Wonderland in his place. You’d be safe! And then when I cast the curse you’d be reunited with your daughter.

Jefferson, you’re alive because I ripped out Father’s heart instead of yours! I loved you more; but, you weren’t in the same world. In the Enchanted Forest, Father was the thing I loved most! But...It did take longer than I expected for me to break down. I really didn’t think I’d hold out for so long! But I did!

And..It was an accident! You were supposed to have Grace! I wanted the two of you to be a family! I still don’t know why it didn’t work! The plan was to let Grace keep her memories, well most of them. I was going to tweak them a bit. Everything until Wonderland would be normal. And then I’d give her fake ones, memories of time with you, a perfectly happy childhood!

But..It’s the Dark Curse! I didn’t make it! Maybe Rumplestiltskin can explain what went wrong! I can’t! All I can do is guess! Maybe my magic wasn’t strong enough to do what I wanted. And since I fell short she got cursed like everyone else. Or maybe the Dark Curse had to make everyone suffer. I know I paid the price and I’m not just talking about my father! There was a hole left in my heart. Rumple warned me about that but only after I cast it! Maleficent tried to warn me before; but, I didn’t believe her. I didn’t want to believe her! I thought she was just being bitter. So, maybe you couldn’t have Grace because then you’d be happy; and, the Dark Curse doesn’t work that way.

And once you were here...There was no magic in this land, Jefferson not before Rumple did whatever he did with bottled true love. I couldn’t undo anything, couldn’t fix anything! I just made you think I could! The only magic was in the things I brought over. It took me a long time to even realize I could use magic to get magic, years and years!

I came to you for that last deal because I was desperate! I was terrified Emma would take Henry away from me! I couldn’t lose my son! But even then...I wasn’t sure it would work. I’d practiced some...I thought I could use the magic in a few things I had left to do a simple memory spell. But magic’s unpredictable here! I saw that when Henry ate the apple turnover! When you came to me about Grace, I was too focused on Henry. I was scared Jefferson! I was terrified that because of me he was going to die, that he’d never open his eyes again! I couldn’t think about anything else! And..Maybe I was being petty too! Maybe I didn’t want you to have your daughter when I couldn’t have my son! But that wasn’t all! I’d never tried to use a memory spell with things from my vault! It would be experimental! And you know how magic is tied to emotion! It would be a terrible idea to attempt something so sensitive when I was so upset! I could make Grace forget everything or maybe even make her some kind of vegetable, brain dead!

And yes Jefferson! In my grief I said something stupid! But you should know you were never disposable! Why do you think I came to your wedding?! Why do you think I talked to you at Market at that day?! Why do you think I came to you 28 years ago and so many times since then?! I could never forget you! Never!”

She was shaking like a leaf by the time Jefferson asked about Henry, tears pooling at her feet. “I don’t want to imagine that! I can’t! He’s my son, Jefferson!” Her tone was desperate. “But now..I might have to! Everyone thinks I’m some vicious murderer! No one will let me near Henry; and, Henry believes all of those lies! He doesn’t even want to see me!” Would he ever smile up at her ever again, compliment her cooking, hug her?! Would she never hold him in her arms again?!

“He doesn’t know who I am, Jefferson! He looks at me and all he sees is the Evil Queen! I don’t have to imagine! I live it everyday!” Ever since he got that cursed book, that’s how he saw her. She’d never forget the way he’d glared at her, screaming she wasn’t his mom before running to his room.

“I didn’t want your daughter to suffer Jefferson! That was never my intention! She was supposed to be reunited with you shortly! And I anonymously sent the neighbors money to make sure she was looked after while you were away! Id’ never let anything happen to your daughter! I know..I couldn’t comfort her, not when you were gone! I know she suffered! I know it’s my fault! And maybe I don’t deserve to be comforted! But I didn’t do this, Jefferson! I didn’t kill Archie! I’m not that type of person! Please! Please believe me!” Her words would fall on deaf ears. She already knew it. Why was she even bothering? But...She supposed her heart was stubborn. She still wanted to trust Jefferson, believe he could be the better person and comfort her in the way she’d never comforted him. She didn’t deserve it. She already knew that. He didn’t have to tell her.

“Yes, Jefferson. I was wrong! It was warped; and, it was twisted! It was selfish and it was cruel!  But I was trying to protect you!  But I did it all wrong! I lost everything; and, I made the person I cared about the most suffer! But I did care! I do care! I can’t make you believe me; but, it’s the truth! Even now Jefferson...I care about you more than anyone! That’s why...That’s why it’s so important I know what you think!”